Tuesday, 29 September 2009

The view from over there

One day....
An excellent article highlighting just what hard work a relationship is.
I particularly enjoyed the descriptions. I am clearly Explorer trapped with Director. Not a great combo really
Fisher, a women's cult figure and an anthropologist, has long argued that falling in love – and falling out of love – is part of our evolutionary biology, and that humans are programmed not for lifelong monogamy but for serial monogamy. (In stretches of four years, to be exact, approximately the time it takes to get one kid safely through infancy.) Why Him? Why Her? explains the hormonal forces that trigger humans to be romantically attracted to some people and not to others (a phenomenon also documented in the animal world). Fisher posits that each of us gets dosed in the womb with different levels of hormones that impel us toward one of four basic personality types:
The Explorer – the libidinous, creative adventurer who acts "on the spur of the moment". Operative neurochemical: dopamine.
The Builder – the much calmer person who has "traditional values". The Builder also "would rather have loyal friends than interesting friends", enjoys routines and places a high priority on taking care of his or her possessions. Operative neurotransmitter: serotonin.
The Director – the "analytical and logical" thinker who enjoys a good argument. The Director wants to discover all the features of his or her new camera or computer. Operative hormone: testosterone.
The Negotiator – the touchy-feely communicator who imagines "both wonderful and horrible things happening" to him- or herself. Operative hormone: oestrogen, then oxytocin.
Fisher reviewed personality data from 39,913 members of Chemistry.com. Explorers made up 26% of the sample, Builders 28.6%, Directors 16.3%, Negotiators 29.1%. While Explorers tend to be attracted to Explorers, and Builders tend to be attracted to Builders, Directors are attracted to Negotiators and vice versa.

This holiday was very positive in that I got time to think about what I want in life. Right now I am juggling many balls in the air, career, motherhood, creative energy, the desire to travel etc But there will come a time when I hope to retire and although you could argue that planning for that time is like wishing your life away, seeing my mother stumble into retirement somewhat reluctantly makes me realise that yes, I may get run over by a bus tomorrow but the statistics suggest otherwise and so I have begun to plan.
It was always assumed that I would use my retirement fund to pay off the house but after reflecting for most of the summer as well as reading the above I feel vindicated by my decision. I will in fact use the money to travel. What is the point of a large house when I would be happier staying in some smaller ones. It is the view I desire not the trappings of size and space. I am currently compiling a list of places to stay, not just visit, but actually stay a while. Places like Lake Como or the French Riviera, as well as places in Britain such as Anglesey, Suffolk or the South West of Scotland. It is the view I crave and increasingly the desire to paint the view and it is the dream of that view that will have to sustain me for at least another decade.

And of Emin? Well curiously he spends the whole of his waking hours planning for when he can stop work, and has done since he started work, to the point that he does not really live, so much as exist at present. His dream is to rotate living in Berlin with his house in Cyprus, interestingly if not tellingly, despite needing urgent assurances that we are a couple for life, not ONCE did he ask what I wanted. That ladies and gentlemen is what is at the root of our problem we neither share a common goal nor I the desire to share it. It may work out fine, I hope in a way we can muddle through but I am very determined to get to live the dream.
image from here


La Belette Rouge said...

I am definitely a negotiator and He-weasel is a Director. But, we have made it 18 years and are still enjoying monogamy.

Does knowing you are a Explorer give you some comfort in knowing that travel is more important that home? And/or understanding why Emin dreams of home?

I know that when I took the Myers-Briggs test I felt a certain comfort in knowing why He-weasel approached things so differently than I do. He never will be able to answer my question "But what does your gutt tell you?" He is fantastic at sensate but intuition he does not have. I am exactly the opposite. Opposites do attract.;-)

staceyjwarner said...

LOL! I've been on chemistry.com for years, in fact I'm a glitch in their system, haven't paid a dime and will have a membership until I'm in my 50's which will be great when I cycle through men every four years...according the test I did I'm a Director/Negotiator. The last person I dated I met through Chemistry and if he hadn't been a narcissist...might have workd. (Red Weasel, know all about that...) Enjoy your blog, please come visit mine.

indigo16 said...

Belette, it does not comfort me so much as make me more tolerant, which is a good thing. What I find difficult is that very little allowances are made in my direction.
Well that is the way I see it, he would of course see it very differently. Relationships whether you are compatable or not are incredibly difficult and I do envy the ease with which yours works.
Stacey, thank you for stopping by, I will be catching up with your blog tomorrow.