Sunday, 29 March 2009

The view from here

I was until today drained. Emotionally Physically and Mentally.

Last week I embarked on lengthy negotiations that the UN would have been proud of with Emin. At the heart of our relationship lies the the text book problem of love. Emin loves me unconditionally. He is able to do this because he is able to control the fabric of our life most of the time. For such love he would like 100% commitment, the kind that means I do all the housework and generally bow to most domestic demands. As a colleague once remarked many years ago after glancing over at a sample of his hand writing, he is a "Domestic Tyrant" This can put intolerable pressure on our relationship, add to this melting pot of friction my kids and relations can be strained.
We have come through 12 very turbulent years, but my defense mechanism at all times is to ration affection and love. My love I guess is conditional with Emin. He hurts, I withdraw. This pattern has existed since the beginning when he hurt mine so badly I learnt to use it as a form of control.
So negotiations centered around my commitment to our future. Whilst I often ache to be alone he want to spend his life with someone, unluckily for me I am the 'chosen one' I have agreed that Yes I love him and yes I will always be there, but he has to remember that I have an opinion and I will exercise my right to differ. This rendition is woefully over simplified but this took most of last weekend to resolve.

We moved schools. six years of detritus had to be packed along with all that comes with running an art department. That we did it is a miracle. That my assistant is so organised I am forever grateful. That we unpacked is amazing. That I am physically knackered should come as no surprise.
I have reached an impasse concerning my job. I like the trappings and the autonomy but I really dislike the attitude of the management team as to my worth. I therefore decided to apply for one last job.

The job is at my daughters school. I know I can do it and it would be my dream job but as with Emin if I admit it, I know it will really damage me when I do not get it, yet I know that this will make me appear flippant and so I probably will not get it.
That I have an interview is a measure of how well I can sell myself. I really wish I could do the same at my interview. It is on Wednesday. If I succeed good, If I fail I will cope, It is absolutely my last interview. I will hunker down and take from what I have, what I can. I can no longer go through this incredibly draining experience again.
I finally missed you all on Friday, which was the first chance I had to draw breath. I am still off line at work, and I am having to tap way at Kitty's lap top whilst she is at her dad's. So I will be 'posti lite' for a while.
I am way from next Saturday, for a week. We are staying in Robin Hoods Bay if any one wants to drop by I will see you there.

1 comment:

materfamilias said...

Such a lot of work you've done since we last heard from you! No wonder you're exhausted -- hope you get some rest and rejuvenation this weekend, and good luck with the interview.
I have wonderful memories of wandering Robin Hood's Bay with my uncle and cousins, him pointing out places he'd been with his little brother, my dad, in the early 30s. I'd love to go back for a visit. -- enjoy yours!