Not for nothing have I no friends. Colleagues yes, sisters, daughters, a Mother even, but girl friends came and went, despite the emotional investment of time they invariably jumped ship to more glamorous shores.
Recently a colleague has made overtures of friendship she lives close by and clearly would enjoy a meal or two, or maybe the odd girly shopping trip. Hell join the queue baby, you get first dibs after daughters, sisters, Mother and well it has to be said 'he who should be obeyed' Slim pickings for anyone really. Still she has chipped away, and invariably settles for the odd chat on the phone.
I should elucidate on our very, very different phone habitats. I have one landline, corded for my own sanity on landing number 1. This means if, God forbid I do have to speak to someone I have to do it crouched on the stairs in the equivalent of a six lane highway. This landing is the hub and spoke of the house sitting opposite the girls bedrooms and bathroom, it is the source of all that is loud, shouty and out of control. Even my my own Mother dreads any conversation with me and so generally has developed the sense to email.
In contrast my colleague is single, child free, and has wait for it...... a head set for her phone, in essence this means she can walk,talk and multitask at the same time, oh joy. This can include eating, drinking, washing up and I swear peeing. The relentless calls have subsided of late, I think she kind of realises it is not easy living in the house of chaos and so when she does phone I am aware it is for a reason.
Sunday she phones 3 times, I am either walking the dog, cooking or eating, but she perseveres and so just at the climax of Project Runway, the only programme that I actually shout at the TV watching, she phones again. I slink upstairs and await for the dilemma of the day to unfold.
And what a dilemma it is; my colleague has debated long and hard and has decided to adopt a pair of cats. Like any decision it has been thoroughly researched and investigated and she has found what she thought was the purrfect pair (sorry) Good provenance, house trained etc.etc So what was the problem?
One is a tabby, one is black, she did not think she could give black cat as much love as the tabby cat....... My reply They're cats not fucking handbags what the fuck difference does the colour of its fur make?
And that dear bloggers is why I just don't do girlfriends, seriously I missed the end of Project Runway because of a black cat.