Like the Oyster season my life is governed by the the letter R when one appears in the month I am lashed to my desk marking, I am half way through and already my car crash of a weekend seems a million miles away, if you would like to leave your calm and settled life and live mine all be it vicariously for a while then let me take you on a journey....
The idea was to leave early on Friday night and go to York with the main thrust of the visit centered around She Who is Missed Greatly, Daisy. Daisy clearly did not see the arrival of her mother plus 'not seen for months' sister as any great shakes and so had that very same weekend invited her boyfriend, you know the one that she said she was going to 'dump'? Yep that one. So now my thrust was as a courier of the various flotsam and jetsam she had left behind.
The traffic was horrendous and we limped into York past 9 o/c exhausted and went to bed.
An expensive mooch around York relieved me of £50, thank you Kitty, we then all decamped to the pub after a full and frank exchange of opinions with Daisy who kept us waiting for over 20min's, my mother does not 'do' waiting, ever, not without a bitter diatribe against the source of her irritation. Throughout my journey on Friday night my stomach was agony by Saturday it became clear my monthly hemorrhage was upon me a week early and my energy was being sapped rapidly. I dropped Her Majesty's stuff off, collected her plus said 'soon to be dumped' boyfriend to take back to Mothers to be fed. I felt worse and worse and after waving them goodbye went to bed only to wake up and creep quietly downstairs to die a slow, cold, lonely death. After throwing up copiously I crawled back to bed only to wake an hour later and bleed all over my mothers cream bedroom carpet. An hour of cleaning up later I went back to bed to sleep fitfully before giving up. It was a beautiful blue sky day, but it is impossible to go out without my Mothers shadow so instead of taking photographs on what was a glorious day I had to endure a march around town with her.. Not good, then because Daisy is so lovely I threw more money at her by taking her and the 'soon to be dumped' boyfriend for a pizza.
Home in time for Downton Abby? No way, the traffic was really bad and we decided to go through town, we limped through the center of London, only once in there we discover there is not one single, teeny, tiny, solitary left turn, because why would the Neanderthals who live South of the river ever have the intelligence to drive a car let alone afford one, in the end after seeing way too much of Smithfield market than was good for me, I did two U turns and finally managed to drive across the river, I was greeted by a dog who had barely left the house plus armful's of bedding he'd pissed on, as I stood up after enduring 5 hours on the road, I hemorrhaged another 2 pints of blood leaving Emin to recoil in horror before cleaning up muttering "I didn't sign up for this"