What I find never gets any easier is marking, not the whole "oh, that's lovely dear, have a gold star" kind of crapola. No, I mean the kind of marking that will haunt you for the rest of your life, it will linger around you like a bad smell whether you give a shrug of insouciance or bravado, I promise these grades can and do hurt.
What makes it worse is that nasty little word 'subjective', not for me the clean slash of red, right or wrong, no, I have 'ifs' and 'buts' and 'well maybe'. How do you off set sheer slog against brief moments of genius? How does the latter always triumph over the former? It's so cruel that you can work your arse off in art and still only ever be judged mediocre.
So all week I have placed in rank order then judged and then rejudged and then lain awake at night wondering if I should have done more..........because when all is said and done I devised the course and I delivered it. On and on and on until I think my heart will go BANG!
I get tearful that no matter how I dress it up I teach students who will only ever be OK, it is rare to get the WOW although this year we have one even then I think is it me? Is she really WOW? Or just wow?
Last night I went for my interview for an MA at Goldsmiths, I have been accepted and really I think it will be amazing, but I had one of those ridiculous conversations with Emin that a few years ago would have reduced me to tears and had me searching for flats to leave him for. Now I really don't give a flying fuck what he thinks, this is a man who quantifies everything by either it's monetary value or it's usefulness to him. No it's not a language, no it won't earn me more money, but yes, it's all about me, and the enjoyment I get out of life and that you can't quantify.
That said I am entering the world of subjectivity myself again as we have to exhibit new work at the end of each year, but it will give me the push I need and maybe when I become rich and famous, I can laugh at him from my luxury seaside retreat! HA.
So another week disappears, I have one more Saturday up town and amazingly 4 more have been added to her term, I'm not crying, having edited my photographs I have improved immeasurably whilst spending time up town photographing on a regular basis, so I will push this envelope a little further.
One last thought, a girl in my tutor group (age 18) thought the Dalai Lama was a terrorist organisation!! How? You see what I'm up against?