Tuesday, 14 July 2009

Dear Mother

Dear Mother

I think it would be a good idea for future reference to avoid any discussion what so ever anywhere of the calorific value of anything within a 3 mile radius of your youngest daughter.

She is fat deal with it, she makes occasional efforts to lose weight, but quite clearly it is not coming off at quite the astonishing speed she put it on.

I realise that none of what you say is in any way remotely or directly related to what she is holding in her hand as a prospective purchase or thinking of choosing from the menu. But again I implore you just think it, do not say it. Politics would be a less volatile subject.

And what ever you do, it is pointless trying to couch it as a joke. You do not do humour, I agree you have the capacity to laugh, but the day you say something even remotely amusing I will put the bunting out. It is, I am sad to say mother, your misfortune to have the inability to say anything that does not sound like cruel and barbarous criticism. This is probably based on the fact that we grew up with that cruel and barbarous tongue of your and so that is what we are programmed to expect.

Ha, I hear you say, if that was the case, why is your youngest daughter so ridiculously sensitive to what you say? Well it is because she is an over sensitive stroppy cow who has not had her patience gene honed like myself by 3 demanding children and a Neanderthal moron who passes himself off as my partner.

Years of solitary confinement have inevitably led to her sadly taking most of what we say at face value. She’s YOUR daughter, learn to zip it up and behave.

Yours (the one with endless patience and slightly less overweight than the others)

Your eldest


La Belette Rouge said...

What would your mother say if she actually read this? I feel for your sister. My mother has disordered eating and is constantly telling me what she has eaten and asks what I have. Like it is a competition who can eat less. Drives me cookaloo.

Mardel said...

Is your mother related to my mother?

I think some people just can't grow out of being overly sensitive, or at least I don't seem able to even though I seem to have a whose battles with depression have made him act like two people: either kind and charming or neanderthal and incredibly cruel.

indigo16 said...

Belette my mother would be surprised and probably mortified I think, and yet maybe she needs to know. Who knows.
Yes Mardel I think such pointedly critical behaviour is common amongst mothers. I am trying HARD to break the cycle.