Wednesday, 19 January 2011

I am an ostrich

A pretty gutless one at that.

To preempt my current mood I will tell you a brief story that pretty much sums up my total inability to face up to the here and now.

Many, many moons ago in my early years of teaching I had a hell of a journey to get to work, but I was bright eyed and bushy tailed so when one morning I fainted on the train, did I go home? No ,Did I visit a doctor? No, I got up from the floor sat down on a proffered seat not a little embarrassed and carried on with my journey to work.
Two weeks later I am in my classroom, lunch is nearly over and I feel a sharp almost unendurable stab of pain in my abdomen, soon after some students come to talk to me about their coursework, I pull myself together and discuss what they should do and they left happy. I still felt dreadful so I slunk to the bathroom splashed some water on my face but failed to perk up. A teacher spied me and gave me a quizzical look, despite a brave face I eventually had to concede that I felt crap, so I made my way down stairs to the cloakroom to lie down for a while. The school secretary phoned my soon to be husband to see if he might care to collect me, he declined of course far to busy and it was certainly too far for him to come despite his entire career being based around visiting future supermarket sites across the length and breadth of England for a superstore. The secretary then took matters into her own hands and decided I should go to hospital, soon after my arrival it was ascertained that I had neither blood pressure or a pulse. I was, unbeknown to me less than an hour from death. They saved me of course, just in the nick of time, my body went into clinical shock and the rest is history.... Oh, go on then I'll tell you, a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. See, had I visited a doctor I probably would have been saved from the embarrassment of leaving school during lunch on a stretcher.

My point is? I am an ostrich in both my physical and emotional lives, I think if I put it to the back of my mind it will go away, fix itself. I never learn, that was the second time I have been hospitalised and twice since! I even put off having a lump in my breast checked, how thick is that?

And the point of this post is? I have spent 13 years burying my head in the sand thinking surely this relationship will get better? Sometimes it does, having just completed just over a year sans conflict I kind of dared to think we were good to go, then of course I open my big fat mouth and voiced what seems to me an innocuous concern and KABBOOMB no pyrotechnics just the clinical emotional shutdown from the days gone past. The problem? My opinion did not tow the party line and as far as he is concerned that means we are not working together for the same great and the good future goals. And once again I am left wondering how I have managed to squander the best years of my life on morons masquerading as men.


materfamilias said...

Really hard to know what to say here except that I feel for you. (hard not to blurt out that you deserve someone who will pick you up and swoop you to the hospital when needed, though!)

Funny that your animal analogy is one that chooses not to see when your strength is your vision . . . you're such a visual person. . . that must be such an impossible paradox . . .

indigo16 said...

There are no answers where children are involved, but yes one of the main fissures in our relationship is I am a visual animal he is physical one and had I visualised the future with a more perceptive mind I would have walked away when I had the chance.

La Belette Rouge said...

You sound like your ostrich self may no longer be your present tense self. You are one who sees so much and so clearly. You have a WONDERFUL eye. Like Mater, I am not sure what to say( and I certainly agree that you definitely deserve a man who when he hears that you are sick, will drop up everything to be there for you).

It sounds like you are looking back at your old self and seeing that you deserve to be cared for by yourself and by others. That looking at your self takes a lot of guts.

auntiegwen said...

I wish you well in whatever decision you make.

All the best of us have spent years with morons, or maybe that's just me?